There are times when I sit and home and wonder what has happened to my life and ask myself where has the time gone. I am a twenty something mum of three and I feel as though I have not done anything with my life. Sure, having children is an amazing thing and it changes your life for ever but I don’t feel like I have done anything for… ‘me’.
For a very long time I felt so guilty whenever I thought of myself. Even buying something small for myself made me hang my head in shame. Somehow my mother managed to talk me out of ever feeling like that, but now I battle with feeling lost all the time. When I ask myself what I really would like to do to make myself happy, or enjoy the time I get away from my children, I have no clue. My brain goes blank and my ideas fail me. I do not really know myself. I don’t think I have ever been able to take the time out to ‘discover’ who I am; who I could be. Yeah sure there are things that perhaps I would enjoy doing but there is nothing up there in my noggin that I can think of that really would define me as a person. I feel like the plain Jane from next door. The girl who is just there. Ha! I also sometimes forget that I am not even a girl anymore, and that I am a fully-grown woman who hasn’t even realised that she has made this transition.
Where do people go to discover themselves, and when is the right time to start? How do you even begin to try to find yourself when your life pretty much consists of looking after everyone else in your household apart from yourself? I am not sure that going away is an option as I cannot leave my children for too long, or is it that I do not want to leave them for too long. Am I not able to do so because I am scared of being alone or that I am worrying for no reason when their father is around and several reliable relatives on hand. Oh, the constant battle with my thoughts are hard. Is there anyone who can help, I ask.