There are so many secrets that are pretty grim that are hidden in the parent world that you are not told beforehand from having poo all over the floor, to having piss in your face, to having your walls redecorated by a toddler using a red crayon. Oh the joys of parenthood. From the moment that they are born, you have entered into a lifetime of joy and tears.
So today I have decided to tackle poo… eek!
No one tells you that when your new born takes his first poo (meconium), it is as black as tar and pretty much the same texture and consistency. It is virtually the hardest thing you will ever have to remove from human skin! Worse than when you accidentally get super glue stuck to your fingers and attempt to peel the top layer of your skin off with the glue. A baby’s first poo will have your screaming and running like you are running from the Blob. A technique that I have learned to remove this is to literally cover his arse with petroleum jelly, e.g. Vaseline. The jelly acts like a barrier between the bum and poo so that is just slides straight off. Petroleum jelly is a gift from angels.
There is also the exploding shit storm. Those poos that do not stay
within the lines of the nappy and escape up the back AND front, around the thighs and between all their little chubby rolls. The worst part is when you are holding your baby and you suddenly feel something wet seeping through your jumper sleeve and begin to wonder what it is or where is came from. You take a little sniff only to be horrified by the smell of poo. YES! The poo has seeped out the sides of the nappy, travelled through the three layers of clothing that they are wearing and has still managed to make contact with your arm hairs. Then there is the lovely challenge of changing this abomination. The stuff gets everywhere. All over the child’s feet and down the legs if you are trying to remove their pants. Please take note, DO NOT WIPE YOUR FACE WHEN CHANGING A NAPPY. I need not explain why.
Then there is the floater. Toys, bubbles, and a sponge is usually what you find in the bath when it is bath time, but what you do not expect is a lovely perfectly round, lump of poo floating around in the bath tub with your sweet little cherub. It is alarming, slightly funny, and most definitely disgusting. Make sure you keep at fishing net handy or be prepared to pick it out the bath once the water has been drained.
Lovely stains. When faced with the challenge of getting poo out of children’s clothes, I often find myself wondering whether the piece of clothing is worth the effort of getting the very yellowish brown stain out of or whether to just bin the thing all together. I have to admit that I have thrown numerous amounts of baby vests away because they have gone past the point of no return. If you forget to soak the brilliant white baby grow immediately after it has been tainted, it is very difficult to get it back to being brilliant white. I have at times used bleach and Vanish but when you are bogged down by 4 loads of washing that needs to be done, in the bin the vest goes. Sorry !
Face poo aka ‘Snot’! I never in my life knew how much green runny snot can come from such a small nose. Oh my god, it gets everywhere and on everything. Not just all over your child’s face and hands, but over their toys, the furniture, television, and remote controller. It is horrible. The most heart crushing moment is when you are walking down the street, finally having your child strapped into the stroller and not screaming only to look down in complete horror to see a smiley face covered in green gunge. Lovely!
Three children later, I can only look back and laugh at my past experiences and lightheartedly warn those who are thinking about reproducing such lovely poo machines. Having shared these experience however, I can still honestly say that I would not change it for the world. You gradually develop a firm stomach, enormous amount of courage, and a bullet proof nose.