I enrolled in a ‘writing children’s books and getting the published’ course and today will be the second class. I, however, have decided to skip class today. Last week i made a serious effort to rearrange my midwife appointment so that i could be present for today class, yet i am still missing it.
Last week we were asked to think of a happy childhood memory and write it down briefly so that it can be shared with the rest of the class. I have a problem with this. I have chosen to not attend because i have no happy childhood memory. I have tried in the past to remember one and even more so this past week. I can remember things from when i was younger, yes, but they are not necessarily happy memories, and some quite sad and upsetting. I definitely do not want to share anything from my past with a room full of strangers.
I am now sat here feeling rather shitty if I am honest. I am wondering whether i ever knew happiness when I was a child. I am also wondering whether this is why I am always worrying about whether my son is happy or not. I try extremely hard to ensure that he is always smiling and getting the most out of his childhood. When there are days where we do not leave the house, for example, on a Sunday because my energy is very low or I am struggling with my mood, I feel so very very guilty. When I ask him if he is okay, he always says yes. Sometimes i ask if he wants to go out but he replies with a no and adds that he wants to stay home and play. This should help to reassure me that he is okay but i cant help think that he is not happy and that it is my fault. Following on from this feeling of wanting my son to be happy and making sure that he is safe, comes my OCD. I am over anxious when it comes to caring for my son. I am wondering if this comes from my crappy, messed up, unhappy childhood.