Today is a bad day. When i stop and allow myself to feel, i want to cry. My body feels like a water balloon filled with water to the point of splitting and everything pouring, gushing out. I want to let go. I want to sit in the middle of a field, on a small fold out chair, close my eyes and just stay there. Let the world pass me by. No noise, no people, no worries, no problems, no time limit.
Today is a bad day. I cannot find the energy to stand let alone breathe. Every movement i make is a huge effort. I feel so unhealthy, so ill, so tired. Sitting here as time passes is hard. There is a hollow feeling in my chest that knows i have to make it through the rest of the day. That feeling starts to ache when i think further into the week ahead and wish that i could run away. I sit in my room most days as i hate my flat and the way it looks. It upsets me. I have a compulsion to move furniture around and rearrange things especially when i am anxious. This is not my flat, i only rent. There is only so much i can do. I am pregnant and cannot lift tables or push sofas of beds or wardrobes. There is only so much i can do as my son hates me changing things around and becomes upset when i move things in his room. He is only 4. I am making him distressed. My partner struggles when he comes home from work to find things has vanished or not as they were. I need to strip the flat bare and start over. But i can’t and this is hard. So i hide in my room. I avoid my living room and never stay long in any other room. My room in itself is a prison filled with stuff clouding my thoughts but i can just about manage being in it.
Today is a bad day because i cannot find the energy to play with my son. He is asking me to play hide and seek. He is asking me to visit his make shift shop that he has set up in his room. I feel like there is a stone in the pit of my stomach weighing me down. I feel like there is gravel in my throat. My body feels in pain but yet i don’t think this pain can be assessed by a doctor. I haven’t fallen down and broken a bone. This pain is internal. This pain has come from my head. My thoughts. My mood. My life. My fears. My illness. My pain. My memories.
Today is a bad day!