Do you ever wake up and feel like you have no purpose? I wake some days hating the fact that i have woken up because the world i lived in whilst asleep was so much more satisfying than the one i cannot escape.
I love being a mummy to my son and he is the only thing that can snap me out of a bad or depressive mood. He is the warm ray of sunshine that melts the chilly icicles from my unbeaten heart. He fills my day with more love and joy than one could possibly imagine. The hardest part about this, however, is that once I drop him at school and watch as him and his tiny fellow class mates file into their class for morning registration and all parents wave their last goodbye, i feel a huge emptiness surround me. A sadness that should only ever felt by a child who has had the misfortune of dropping the top scoop of ice cream from its cone onto the floor. I sigh as I walk back through the high navy gates and slowly stroll back to an empty still home with no sound.
This is the hardest part of the day. Being alone with nothing. No one. It actually makes me feel ill. My stomach churns and i feel the food inside me wanting to come back up. My head feels heavy and my body lifeless. I can not distinguish between whether this is depression or boredom. Maybe a mixture or one state leading to the next. Boredom leading to depression.