Fighting First Trimester Anxieties!!!!

Just past my first trimester with baby number two….YAY!

It has been a very long winded three months and I am so grateful that it is over and with my fingers and toes crossed, I hope that things will get easier for me.

I suppose I have to be honest and state that although a lot of women do suffer horribly during the first thirteen weeks of pregnancy due to morning sickness, vomiting, and extreme fatigue, I have been lucky enough (for the second pregnancy running) to no have had any sickness. The nausea however has been present. The fatigue has been present. The hormonal bouts of crying, throwing things at walls, resenting my poor partner, and struggling to give my four year old attention, HAS definitely been present. My greatest fear when having another child was getting depressed. I was unlucky to have gotten prenatal and prenatal depression that lasted a very long time after I gave birth. I think it was only until my son reached the age of two or three that things started to ease for me.
This time round I have been very anxious in case it is waiting behind a door for me. My mood however, now at 13+5 weeks has considerably improved and my beloved partner isn’t so afraid of coming home from work. I hope the worst is behind me.

It has been very hard to smile about this pregnancy although my partner and I had been trying for eight months and it was exactly what we wanted. As soon as my university degree had ended, I finally got my two pink line on five different test strips, and at the time I was gob smacked. Absolutely speechless! We were finally pregnant. And not a moment too soon if I am completely honest as we were starting to worry about his fertility. As he is not my sons biological father, and him not ever having children, we did start to wonder. It was such an amazing feeling knowing that we were having a child together finally, and my son would have a sibling. A few weeks later however, babies, prams, names, due dates were the last thing on my mind. I actually did not want to hear anyone mention the word ‘baby’. I felt like it was a mistake and that my life was over before it could have possibly began. Yes being twenty four and already having a four year old is hard but my son has finally become more independent, and everything had worked out really well in terms of getting him into a good Montessori nursery and me being able to go to university and get my degree. I was finally ready for the world. And then ‘it’ happened. A horrible as it may sound, that how I felt and how I referred to the foetus growing inside me. I resented my partner because I felt like he was supportive and doing very little around the house to allow me to rest. I couldn’t speak to anyone. I felt trapped and suffocated and getting rid of the baby was growing on my mind but deep down I sadly knew that I would never go through with it.

I want to run away. Get rid of this mistake, take my son and run.God know where I would have gone.I know how stupid that sounds now. I am still struggling to come to complete terms with the whole concept of having another child and having to stay at home for a bit longer. In a very bizarre way, because my favourite time of year is winter and autumn due to Christmas, Halloween, and bomb fire night, I have gotten excited and focusing on what to do for the festive dates and that in a way has kept me feeling positive about life and stopped me dwelling too much on things that I am anxious about. I guess it also helps to break down the next 6 months left of this pregnancy.

HO HO HO!!!!

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