Originally I had planned to be pregnant and ready to give birth during this time, but plans do not always work out. An old primary school friend is 8months pregnant and she looks beautiful and radiant. Since last November, all I could think about was having another baby with my current partner of two and a half years. I already have a three-year old son from a previous relationship which started and ended whilst I was still in my late teens. It wasn’t the best of relationships and we split up shortly after I learned that I was pregnant. At almost 24 years of age, all I could think about was having a family of my own without any holes and cracks. My own family was broken and I mainly grew up with just my mum and brother until she had two more children when I was 14, although that relationship never lasted very long and she remains a single mother with four children. Anyway, what I am getting at is that I have always wanted to build that stable family that I never really had and one that I could give my son. So since November my partner and I began trying for a baby. The trying only lasted two months and my sex life began to decline even quicker than it did before. That is one thing that my relationship does lack, the sex life. It is March and all 2014 has brought me was about 15mins. Hahaha I have to laugh to stop myself from feeling rather sex deprived. On the plus side, I we got engaged on new years eve, and I do love my partner and sex isn’t everything. In a way, I am glad there is no baby as my relationship isn’t perfect, and I feel that I need to find myself and understand who I am more. Also something that I do not like to admit is that I often wonder whether my partner and I will always be together. Once bitten, twice as shy. He is 8 years older than me and sometimes I wonder if there is too much of an age gap between us.
My last official taught lecture is at the end of this month and I have one exam to sit at the beginning of May, and once that is over, I am free. Free to do what though? I am constantly wrecking my brain thinking of what type of job I would like to have when uni is all over. Constantly searching graduate job websites, and to be honest, nothing really takes my fancy. The things that do, involve writing, art, and blogging, but everyone wants someone with experience and confidence. The two main things that I do not have. I have been in education for the best part of my life, and I have only had a part-time shop job when I was in college. Since then its been parenthood and uni. Not much time for anything in between. My son starts school full-time in September and will no longer be going to his Montessori nursery, and so I am basically restricted to a job that works between the hours of 9am and 3:30pm. To be honest, its more like 9:30am – 3pm which is even worse.
Is it so bad to want to take a year out and try to find myself. It is too much for me to go away and travel the world as I do not have the funds or the ability to do this with a three-year old. However, I’m beginning to think that I will just stay where I am and do me. Discover myself as much as I can. This will mean ignoring my partners constant “J-O-B” comment and his constant suggesting of going into psychological research which I have not interest in.
Last summer I spent my time away from uni developing my sewing company www.sewsteph.co.uk and that went well. I got to sell a few items at Portobello Road market, and I would love to develop it even further. Radley and Cath Kidston are two brands I would love to match as they both started in markets. I also have a passion for art and drawing. Portraits in particular. And of course, writing. I have always loved reading since a child and took an English lit and lang degree before I got pregnant. unfortunately I had to give that up due to pregnancy. When I went back to uni i chose psychology and criminology. Mainly due to the struggle with post natal and pre natal depression, and wanting to figure my brain out and maybe help others who were in my passion. Criminology… well I didn’t want to do a single honours so I thought that would be an interesting subject area, and it is.
With my three main areas of interest, I think I will focus on developing my writing and art, and I guess see where it takes me. Just as long as I stay humble, i guess I’ll be ok….right?